numbfully yours

at this current moment, it hurts to think.  

it's kind of like how it hurts to eat just one more bite after indulging beyond the comfortably full mark at an all you can eat buffet.  its a fullness from taking in an obscene amount without having the time to digest it all yet.  and yet, the very action that produced this feeling is the very action that is now painful.

it's an uncomfortable kind of pain, yet it's also numbing.  because this state of discomfort is so consuming (pun intented) that it restricts all other sensations.  being still and silent is the only thing that seems remotely manageable.  fortunately, guess what happens in stillness and silence?  we listen. 

and so, it's a natural circadian.  

indulge,
     discomfort,
          numbness,
               stillness, 
                    listen, 
                         grow.  (another pun, in a not so funny way, intended.)

and so, when i find myself at this numb stage, i look back and realize i've just received a huge shipment of new information.  then, i sit in stillness and look forward to the growth that is soon to take place as long as i'm obedient and attentive in listening.  

how do i listen?  

who is talking?  

what, am i supposed to take notes?

we listen in so many ways.  everyone has ears, but we all hear differently.  listening is a result of tuning into one channel long enough to receive it's content.  we listen to our heart.  we listen to our mind.  we listen to the words written in a book.  we listen to the breathless voice that speaks to our soul.  

the heart speaks the universal language of love.  it fixates on feelings and relationships and circumstances.  the mind interprets the experiences of life.  it's a habitual problem solver, breathing in notions and breathing out courses of action.   sometimes the volume of this channel is painfully deafening and at other times it seems as if the volume control is stuck on mute. 

the words in a book are only as good as what's on the shelf.  sometimes the words desired are not found between the covers of what lays bound in front of us and other times the words are well written and meaningful, but not currently applicable.  when a book speaks definitively to your life, keep it not far from arms reach.  sometimes the words on the page speak one thing, but then unwritten thoughts unrelated to the written text begin streaming into existence.  it's times like this that i either need a net....or a writing utensil.  and this is what i call the breathless voice.  

it's always exactly what i need in my numbness.  when i can't think of the words on my own, or begin to catch the thoughts swirling in my mind, this Voice navigates.  like a perfectly created remedy for the uncomfortable pain, it begins to soothe by removing the discomfort and breaking up the nauseating clusters of cognition.  and then, in the fresh emptiness, it speaks.  new thoughts have space to unfold.  old thoughts form new and more appropriate connections and suddenly begin to make sense again.  the intermingling of the new and old thoughts create brilliant ideas, interpretations and give direction.  the heart is filled.  the mind is fed.  and the energy of life is awakened once again.

so in my moments of mental numbness that is painfully overloaded, i will remember to pause....and listen.  

"Silence is a source of great strength."

                         -Lao Tzu

 

box of rope

what if life was like a box of rope?  

inside the box would be a carefully collected bundled mass of all different kinds of rope.  thick ones, colorful ones, dirty ones, frayed ones and brand new ones.  and each rope represented a set of experiences, or people or things all woven together and formed into an artifact that could be returned to at any given time.  the length of the rope would be equivalent to the amount of time put into each experience or person or thing.  and as much as they would be a visual representation of the different aspects of your life, they would also be functional.  so the more experiences you give yourself, the more equipped you are for whatever life brings your way.

wouldn't that be cool?  and you could choose if your box was a tangled mess, or neatly sorted bundles- perfectly wrapped, tied and labeled.  it wouldn't matter, because it is your collection.  at any given time, you could look at your collection of ropes and see a representation of all the different components of your life. 

for the free spirited person like myself, the thought of having the tangible ability to see the results of  a life that is lived by listening to my heart and holding tight to my dreams, would be incredible!

i would imagine that in my collection, there would be a durable rope.  one that's strong and meant to stand the test of time.  it would show a lot of wear, but no weakness.  it would be a solid color with two fine strands of primary colors woven throughout, adding zest and youthfulness.  this rope would be my family.

another rope would be pure white.  shiny and possibly made of a synthetic material like nylon.  it would look great in the package, but after one use, would show dirt.  this rope would be my pantry.  the older i get the more my body tells me to eat fresh foods which have not been processed or packaged.  the foods in my pantry look good and taste great, but make my body hurt.  

then there would be a very faded and worn gray rope.  it's been sun beaten and weathered.  it may have once been another color, but now has blended into a neutral shade, seemingly colorless.  this rope would be my wardrobe.  my favorite things to wear are the result of years of breaking in and outlasted fads.   found by swapping, saving and thrifting.....very rarely purchased new.  

near the top of my collection would be a rope that if you look closely, would be made of many smaller ropes.  because if each rope is a collection of strands, then this one would be a collection of ropes!  there would be strands made of every vibrant color you could possibly imagine, strands made of natural twine, strands of the finest silk, a small strand of solid gold even, shoot...some would even been electrical wire connected to a string of lights.  this rope would be my amazing friends. 

and there would be one more rope.  this one almost like fishing line, but a million times thicker.  it is transparent, and sparkles in the light.  it's very strong, but almost difficult to see.  it coordinates and works well with every other rope in the box.  this rope is used more than any other rope in the box, but doesn't show any signs of wear.  this rope would be my faith.  

of course, my box would have many other ropes.  some of which i may have nearly forgotten i even had.  but they're there.  they might include ropes of travel, education, birthdays and times of difficulty.  

and no.  my collection wouldn't be neatly bundled or labeled.  i'd have to untie knots whenever i pulled a rope from the box, because they'd all be tangled.  

but that's just the way i like it. 

"(Life) is like a piece of rope; 

it takes on meaning only in connection 

with the things it holds together."  

                                                            -adapted from Norman Cousins 

                                      *life was use in place of the words "a book"

feel it. be it. do it.

feel it, be it, do it, taste it, chew it.  

just saying that makes me want to jump up and move.  i throw my arms in the air, and swing my hips to the side.  i close my eyes and smile. 

lately i've been feeling naturally caffeinated.  silly, goofy, free.  a few months ago, i really did give up coffee, but only because i was beginning to depend on it a little more than my body liked.  don't get me wrong, my world is not black or white.  i embrace the gray, and am often known to throw in a heavy handful of full color at that.  so, i do still enjoy a warm, cream swirled mug of joe cradled in my hands every now and then.  but i've seriously, like really seriously, cut back.  and when my energy doesn't come from a cup, let me tell you, it's effects have been paramount!

i really am more energized without it.  all of a sudden, i don't need as much sleep, and i wake up with natural excitement on my mind.  after peeling back my eyelids, i find myself ready for the day.  life is full and fun.  but this post isn't about coffee.  i'm not encouraging anyone to try to cut back, or say that coffee is bad for you.  not at all, my friends, not at all. 

i'm just enjoying my naturally caffeinated recent days.  i'm feeling the energy.  my happy is happier.  my relaxed is quieter.  my inspired is clearer.  my love runs deeper. 

and so i be.  i'm completely present in each moment.  less is required to captivate my mind because i'm tuned in to more.  when there's music, i dance.  when i hear songs, i sing.  and when i have thirty minutes to spare, i grab my sneakers and run!

it's definitely been a process getting to this point.  i still credit our family trip to the carolina cabin this summer as the initial catalyst of it all.  it stood as a separation from life as i knew it.  it was a complete removal from my daily grind and a much needed change of pace.  i came back as a boot wearing, not as much caring, happy mama, just ready to be. 

when i'm in this present state of being, i feel like i can do more.  i can silence my mind and listen.  i can walk into the kitchen and get right to business.  i can dress my kids, pack their lunch and feed the dog without thinking about it.  i can grab a random fifteen minutes and really get something accomplished.  my mind more readily does what i need it to do.  and so, my days are more satisfying.  i may not necessarily accomplish more, but the things i do manage to get done have been a lot more intentional, and that folks, is a huge accomplishment for me!

feel it.  be it.  do it.  

let yourself taste it and chew it. 

life is grand, take it in.  go ahead.  take it in one moment at a time.  tackle that moment.  savor it's sweetness.  embrace it's bitterness.  appreciate it's completeness.  remember it's significance.  you won't get it back, but you'll add it to a collection of other moments that are labeled as your life.    

life comes at us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, whether we are ready for it or not.  what we do with those 86,400 seconds each day is completely up to us.  dig in! 

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

organically thinking

caution: mind cleaning isn't as easy as house cleaning.  progress isn't as easily noticed and the amount of clutter that still needs tending to lurks out of sight until it spontaneously catapults itself front and center, usually at the most inopportune time.  however, the results of mind cleaning are exponentially longer lasting than mopping floors....and that sounds like a good deal to me!

over the past two weeks, i've experienced multiple episodes of spotlight thoughts presenting themselves in the midst of a busy day, temporarily blinding my mind.  when these thoughts surface, they need attention.  captive attention.  they beg for audience participation.  sometimes these thoughts won't even reveal their identity until you give them enough of your time.  they are feisty little buggers...expecting a bit of a chase before they'll let you come to terms with what they're saying.  

and so, i let go.

letting go allows growth to happen.  i let go of preconceived notions.  i let go of expectations.  i let go of being judged or misinterpreted.  i open my mind and take in the new things life presents everyday.  if your roots are firmly planted, then the leaves of your mind will only grow within the nature of what they're being fed. 

after my mental housekeeping, my mind is clearer than ever before.  and you know what?  when your mind is clear, you can take in so much more.  i'm not kidding when tell you that i can even smell more vividly now.  it's unreal.  i can handle more without being bogged down.  every experience is more meaningful and an opportunity to grow. 

in the tenderness of the clear mind that i now have, i have adopted an organic way of thinking.  just like eating organically, it's a matter of being able to experience life more fully while continually removing toxins or anything that would stunt my growth or kill the vibrant thoughts in my mind.  it's not a matter of sheltering myself....quite the opposite, actually....its a way to experience more with the ability to decide what takes residence in my mind.  we live in a real world.  it's not organic....or even really clean, for that matter.  but it's real.  and never to i want to separate myself from reality.  ok, maybe i'd LIKE to, but i'll leave that for my daydreams. 

thinking organically is the ability to take in a little shit without getting covered in mud.  and because there are no growth hormones, pesticides or fertilizers, it requires a bit more tending to.  you can't be afraid to get into the depths of your thoughts to do a little gardening.  some days you'll need to prune away overgrown thoughts, some days you'll need to add more nutrients to institute new growth, and other days, it's just about smelling the flowers.  organically minded people know their mental gardens well.

i've never been happier.....or more in tune with my children, my husband or the world around me.   i am living in the present moment, and yet preparing the soil for exciting things yet to grow.  

i smile a lot easier.  

i love a lot deeper.  

and my feet can barely touch the ground!  

“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. 

Taste them and you will see.
”
― Jarod Kintz

unfolding

i don't have the energy for capital letters tonight.  

the picture for this post is left for you to draw.

recently, i've been internally captivated.  mentally housecleaning, so to speak.  if spring is for opening the windows and cleaning the house, then fall is for opening your mind and cleaning out the mess.  it's a natural preparation for settling into warm cozy thoughts for the winter.  

and for me, it's shed light on what will soon become a familiar soft glow.  but right now, it's shining in my eyes and somewhat temporarily blinding me.  i'm captivated, and consumed.  i'm more present to my thoughts than ever before, yet so strangely distant from who i really am.  i'm searching, but i already know the answer.  

the thoughts in my mind are wrestling back and forth.  one day completed thoughts are pinned down, and then the next day, they're walking around again.  finding permanence and conclusions with wrestling thoughts is nearly impossible.  

but it's the process of wrestling that is the labor for the birth of new beginnings.  it's like new leaves unfolding in the early warmth of the spring sunlight.  it's a struggle between holding tight and letting go.  holding tight, though it requires a mighty strength, is often easier than letting go because knowing that you're capable of surviving in a tender state of newness is completely frightening.  

you see, growth is not an all or nothing thing.  it's a gradual process that starts with nothing and ends with everything, but happens one step at a time.  and unless it is touched by opposition, it never stops in the middle.  and eternal growth can never be stopped by opposition, only delayed. 

the tenderness of new growth needs to be handled delicately

words that once soothed, now leave bold impressions.

be gentle.

let new growth breathe-

to soak in the light

and the rain

and strengthen.

newness in any form is vulnerable;

handle it with care.

with growth comes pain-

boundaries are pushed outward,

depths become deeper,

everything stretches.

growth can not be planned,

or fully controlled-

it must unfold on it's own.

let go completely

don't hold back.

if something is growing,

don't worry,

it means it's being properly fed.

growth is good.

when you are growing, you feel it

but others see it.

listen to it.

learn from it.

then let go.

and enjoy the fragrance of the fully unfolded bloom.  

 

 

Time for Tea

Is it me or does the calendar have a downward slope.....with the steepest decline between the months of September to December?  

It's true, the older you get, the faster time flies.  And I definitely think that's true for calendar years as well.  September, October, November and December fly by almost as fast as the entire month of January.  

In my opinion, each year seems to take about three months to get acquainted....a gentle nice to meet ya, so to speak.  The weather is at it's coldest, we are comfortable with routine and refreshed from the time off for the holidays.  

Then comes spring.  And we all take time to stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the newness of life.  We notice the birds singing louder and the flowers blooming brighter.   And the increased warmth of the sun is eagerly welcomed.  

The heat of summer naturally slows us down to a darn near halt!  We sit longer.  And put more ice cubes in our drinks.  Routines are called off and more time is spent with friends.  And then boom! the sound of the Fourth of July fireworks is really the starting gun for that calendar to start tipping.  The rest of the summer slides past no matter how hard we try to grip each day.  

Ready or not, the calendar tilts and dumps us on the fast track to December.  

Back to school, arrival of Fall and high hopes of cooler weather, Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas!  Woah!!  Our minds begin to whirl.  Our weekends are booked.  And on top of it all, we are somehow trying to decide what to put on the kids for a Halloween costume, who's cooking the Thanksgiving turkey, just how we're going to decorate our homes for Christmas, what gifts are going to who this year, where we'll spend Christmas morning, and how there will be enough days in the week, much less hours in the day to accomplish it all. 

They say if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.  I guess that's how we manage to get so much done in that last quarter of the year.  

So, here I sit, barely remembering what day it is, much less what month it is, when the daunting reality hits me that the calendar just changed to October!  A few weeks ago, I was writing the date on a form, and the lady next to me was appalled that I had written 16, because clearly the date was already the 19th!  What rock do I live under? 

Well, no matter what keeps in the slow lane on the highway of life, I like it here.  My neighbors know to call if the world is ending, or a hurricane's coming.  The sky gets dark each night so I remember to sleep.  And my dog barks when he's hungry.  I'm good. 

Seriously, though. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, I set my priority high to take time out for tea.  Just to sit long enough to drink it before it gets cold balances the temptation to catapult my mind into a psychotic type of warp speed thinking.  And when my mind is balanced, my life seems less likely to tip.  

In that time set by the heat of the tea,  my world realigns.  Sometimes I write, sometimes I read Scriptures, sometimes I have a chat, sometimes I send out thoughts from my heart in emails to friends and family, sometimes I just sit still and stare into space and sometimes I just browse the things online that I have been meaning to look up.  But every time is time well spent. 

"Drink your tea slowly and reverently, 

as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - 

slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future." 

 ~Thich Nat Hahn

Care for a cup of tea?

Love totally wins.

I am the farthest thing from a competitive person.  I usually don't even pay attention to who wins, much less who is competing. 

However, I do pay tribute to the belief that love totally wins.  For one, what enemy does love have?  And if there was such a thing, does it ever win? 

Regarding relationships..which face it, are at the core of all things in life...all other attempts outside of love will eventually fail.  

For example...

If you're living up a time of great success in your life, you may get initial celebrations, but most people will end up resenting you because you're actually doing something that they have only wished they had done.  The people who stand by you and believe that even this great success is just the beginning of what you will accomplish, really love you.

If you're going through a time of darkness in your life, you may initially be comforted and encouraged by your friends, but people will end up not calling you to hang out because who likes to be around a bump on a log?  The people who show up at your doorstep to cry with you, or go the extra mile to help you remember that this difficult time is real and it hurts, but it's not going to last forever.....the ones who will gently remind you that this time will most definitely build character, but it won't ever define you, really love you. 

If you're feeling unusually good about yourself, finding that you're fitting into clothes from the skinny days and happen to land upon a great hairdo, just like with the time of success, people will only tolerate it so much before they start not wanting to be around you because it only makes them feel worse about themselves.  The people who unselfishly don't compare, or make you drop and give 'em 20 after you've indulged the double chocolate molten souffle, really love you. 

And finally, if you've given up hope of ever fitting back into those skinny clothes which are now shoved deep into the depths of your closet, you don't know the last time you actually had a haircut, and something is making your skin break out, you're probably not feeling good about yourself and once again, no one wants to be around the downer.  The people who remind you that one's true beauty is on the inside, and for that you'll always be drop dead gorgeous, really love you. 

So, what.  You can't win.  Being good looking and successful won't bring relationship victory, and depression and dark times won't buy you company.  Yet, who wants to settle for mediocre?  Who wants to stay within the lines of success and failure, self worth and insecurity.  The truth is that we all go through bouts of success and valleys.  Sometimes we gain friends at the peaks, and lose friends at the bottom...or vice versa...but the relationships that will stand the test of time are the ones who operate from pure radiant love....well, most of the time, because hey, we are not all perfect and sometimes just feel like riding out a funk.

Love isn't easy, and it's not pain free. 

It's something that we all have inside of us.

It stands for what's right, not who's right.

The more pain that is felt, the deeper the capacity to love.

Love doesn't bash or blame.

Love gives even when it's hurt.

Love sees no boundaries- not race, nor region, nor age, nor religion.

Love craves love.

Love has no enemies.

Love can't be destroyed, because it will grow again.

Love gives even when it doesn't know the recipient.

Love is immeasurable, unending and absolute.

Love is in large groups and love is in a group of two.

Love can be goofy and love can be tough.

Love is uninhibited and free. 

Love is nothing short of fierce.  

Love doesn't strive to be perfect, it just strives to be.
Love is in the moment, but it lasts a lifetime.
Love doesn't need an invitation.
Love apmlifies in adversity, and grows stagnant in contentment. 

Love is the easiest thing you can ever let happen, 
but the hardest #%@^ thing you'll ever do. 

And the cool thing about love is that when you give love, it's easier to recognize love.  Because love is as love does, lovers attract lovers.  Look at the people closest to you in life.  Are they lovers?  

Love stands for falling.  It allows itself to let go, fall head over heals and hold nothing back, all the while expecting nothing in return.  Take a stand and show someone you love them today.  

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

 -William Shakespeare

Tell me what love means to you.  

xo.

 

falling

as an equinox baby, i'm well aware that fall doesn't officially begin until the 22st of this month, but i am already falling.  

at least in my mind.

i'm pretending it's already fall.  pretending the air is already crisp, the windows are open and the curtains are blowing in the breeze.  ok, so i don't have curtains...i'm pretending that part, too.  (but i totally have plans...and fabric...to make them...so that counts a little.)

when you pretend that it's already fall and that there's a chill in the air, the slightest cloud cover is enough inspiration to cook all day in the kitchen in order to make the most glorious batch of butternut crab soup you've ever made.    


i'm falling.

falling deeper in love with familiar people and things in my life and falling in brand spankin' new love with recently made friends and otherwise unfavorable things. 

developing within me is a deeper appreciation for home cooked simple meals...and the process it takes to achieve that.  i'm falling into the habit of grabbing any nearby writing utensil....be it a pen, a marker, a crayon or a keyboard.  my hands are on it and words are being written....words that are falling from my mind, practically.  

i'm falling deeper in love with the most loveliest people and family in my life...my husband, my children, my friends both five minutes away and five hours on a plane away.  if you are talking to me, texting me, or sending smoke signals my way....i'm listening like i've never listened before.  i'm falling in love with your words. 

speaking of words...i'm falling in love with the new music i'm finding on pandora....and even purchasing enough of it to make a darn good mixed cd for friends.  

and what's not to love about new love?  two nieces were born this week, and a nephew is on his way next month...my first nephew, that is.

that's some brand spankin' new love.  

next month, a sister joins the family when she marries my husband's brother.  new love.  and born through multiple layers of technology is a soul mate of mine in Australia....er, i mean 'Straya.  i've always known part of my heart was there.  always.  and now that  i've found it,  i'm falling into new depths of my heart.

as far as those unfavorable things?  yes.  i'm falling captive to the look of freshly folded towels....even if they're on the back of my sofa.  my kids have begun to excitedly offer their assistance in folding the laundry, and so a mundane chore falls into a fun morning activity by turning up the music, and turning off the cares.   

i'm falling in love with new things tucked in the grocery isles because my kids now express their opinions as to what goes in our shopping cart.  their opinions are like sweet music to my ears.  i'm falling in love with their minds. 

i'm also falling back in step with jogs around my neighborhood.  as one who doesn't like to exercise...much less sweat...each step made is a complete surrender to the fact that life after thirty...ahem...five...comes with a rapidly falling metabolism.  

i'm falling.  

i'm falling away from the person i used to be.  as layers of life build upon my skin, my seasoning is changing.  like a cast iron skillet, i've become weathered and some things don't stick as easily.  i don't get as hung up on the little things that used to irritate me, and at the same time,  my heart is spilling out more clairvoyantly than ever before.  i enjoy each moment, and don't worry about the next.... i'll find a way to enjoy that one, too.  

i'm falling more towards being the person i want to be rather that the person the world wants me to be....even if that involves some mix-matched outfits and cowboy boots.  


i'm falling. 

into a new chapter of life.....and loving the new freedom of this fall.  freedom to enjoy my daughter one on one for the first time in her three and a half years of life.  freedom to have a place for my words to fall when my mind gets full, and materials for which my hands to fall upon when my inner creativity awakens. 

and yes, of course i'm falling behind on my laundry, my to-do's and my house cleaning.  but when you let go, those things eventually fall in place, too.   

 “Sometimes it takes a good fall 

                                    to really know where you stand."           

                       - Hayley Williams

Written in the Sky

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  

Maybe that's why the sky is filled with clouds....and written in their forms are the words that speak to our souls.  

I'll never forget the message I saw in the clouds tonight....silver lined and all.  

Oh baby, I feel the love...and so I share it with you! 

"God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars."   

                                       ~Author unknown, commonly attributed to Martin Luther

Undone

Undone is okay. 

Currently in my house...

Clean laundry is unfolded.
Dirty clothes are unwashed.
Dinner is unplanned.
Rooms are unorganized.
Beds are unmade.
Thoughts are unfinished.
Messages are unsent.
Words are unspoken.

However....

My washer is in constant use.
My kids are constantly eating.
Clothes, toys, and you name it are constantly migrating from room to room.
Pillows are constantly crashed upon each night.
My mind is in constant motion.
Noise is constantly heard.
People are constantly thought about.

Basically, each day is a constant reminder that we are all unfinished...undone.  There is always something more to do.  I was joking with a friend yesterday that if I do happen to ever have all the laundry in the house finished, no one is going to be allowed to wear anything....at least for that day.  Her idea was to have disposable clothes for kids. 

When I was a teacher, I thought about this a lot.  Every single day was the end result of hours of unnoticed preparation.   And, as each new day leads to another, there were always hours of unending planning to be done.   Actually, in my mind, the planning was never done until the moment happened.  Then, it was water under the bridge.....but the current kept moving.

Undone is a good thing. 

If life is an open book, we all hope there are many more pages....chapters even, right?  Pages that stand unwritten.  Ahead of each of us lays an undefined future.....days that are yet to be done.   The current of life is still flowing.  The important thing is to feel the current and let yourself move with it. 

We don't even always realize what we are doing....or all that is left to be done.  And sometimes, thinking of all that is yet to be done halts our current doing.  The point is that at any given moment, we are always doing something....even if that something is nothing.  Every spot in time holds a word on a page in the book called life. 

The challenge is to make life happen instead of letting life happen.  As life goes on, words will fill our pages.  Good words, bad words, busy words, empty words.  Life will happen whether we like it or not.  We will all leave a story. 

Life is real, and the current is sometimes strong.  Sometimes the words on our pages are intentionally written...meticulously planned.  Other times, they're written like chicken scratch smeared across the page.  But they're always there. 

The current will leave us behind if we watch from the shore.  Yet, if we jump in and completely lose control, we will be sucked under that strong current.  Effortlessly floating through on a raft is easy, but the current will never touch us....never giving strength to the words on our pages.  It's when we unite with the current, accepting it's energy, letting it increase our motion that the words on our pages will have the most impact. 

As a mother, I hope my pages are filled with wisdom for my children.  As a wife, I hope my pages are filled with love for my husband.  As a friend, I hope my pages are filled with kindness and support. As a stranger, I hope my words are universally translated. 

I am undone.....but the current is moving. 

                        "Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted."
                                                           -Jules Renard

Mental Mastitis and Constipated Brain

I have never had so much on my mind with nothing at all to say.  
I want to write, but nothing comes out.  

So, I RE-LAX....and hopefully that will get things moving....yes, pun intended.  Ha!
Let me tell you where I am.  

I've had the desire to take a trip for a while.  I mean a big get-on-a-plane-and-go-to-a-far-away-place kind of trip.  A place away from home.  Away from routine.  Away from responsibility.  Away from my swirling thoughts.  But then I realized I can't get away from myself.  And unless I face myself, no one is going to like being around me.  So, the first place I must go away is to a place all by myself.  When a close friend of mine did just that, it was what pushed me over the fence and bite the bullet. 

I couldn't drive fast enough on my way to the hotel....my mind was racing just as fast as my car.  I arrived at my hotel knowing that I was going to stay for two....maybe three nights.  Not liking endings, I wanted to keep it open-ended.  I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew my options.  Sometimes having options is overwhelming when all you really want to do is nothing.  I was very accepting of the fact that nothing was most definitely one of my options.  

Having never stayed at this resort (and yes, I say resort because of the $20 daily "resort fee" that was apologetically added to my bill at checkout defining it as such), the first thing I did was get acquainted with the facility and mentally explore my options.  

I took a tour of the spa, meandered through the gift shop, peeked in at the fitness center, strolled through the fountain gardens, walked past the rock climbing wall, fire pit and then down the boardwalk that lead to the marina.  

From my balcony, I inspected the jogging paths and local shopping options.  Then, I made a mental list of "yes things" and "no things".  Unfortunately, the only two things on my "no" list were the lazy river (because it was closed this weekend), and the fitness center, a no-brainer for me.  I like when decisions are easy. 

But my mind was satisfied, and from that point on, I just let each moment happen as it came.  

The next morning, I woke up at the same time that my kids usually pounce on me at home.  Except at home, I want to pull the sheets up over my head and roll over (which I usually in fact, do).  This time, in a hotel room all by myself, I couldn't fall back asleep if I tried.  I watched the rest of the sunrise from my balcony facing east, ate a quiet breakfast and packed my bag for a trip to the resort's private island.  I knew I was going there to write....and possibly read....but mostly write.  This RE-LAX was beginning to work.  

This is where it all really began.  For me, it was on a private island away from everyone.  I was in my bathing suit, but not there for a swim.  I never even touched the water.  Oh, but the waters touched me.  It was a mental waterfall....diarrhea of the hand....everything that had been stopped up began to flow.  My mental mastitis was letting itself down.  Every time I would stop writing, I needed to get up and walk around.  But then, like having an indigestion cramp that leaves you running back to the bathroom, more thoughts would start flowing and I'd have to literally run back to my notebook and try to keep up with it as it was pouring out.  Lessons learned:   

1.  Take a RE-LAX more frequently so that you are not in pain trying to keep up with the drainage.

2.  When you take the full dose of RE-LAX (private island at a resort), stay close to the toilet.... 

From this point on, I am going to attempt to take smaller doses of this RE-LAX on more of a daily routine in order to keep myself....ahem...regular.  Sorry.  I have toddlers.  This is where my mind is.  So, a private island is nice, but I'm realizing that half an hour in my closet each day might work just as well. 

I was so moved by the words in my notebook that afternoon that I want to share some of them with you.  However, I share this knowing that not everyone will agree....and I love that.  I am not offended in the least by disagreement.  You are entitled to think whatever you want to think.  By sharing this with you,  I am in no way trying to persuade you of one thing or another.  I am just doing what I do best....sharing a piece of my heart with you.

A lot of times I'm so silent because what I like to do most is listen.  I have accepting ears. Your words challenge my faith....and challenge is a healthy thing.  But, I do have a voice....a voice that runs through my mind so constantly, it won't even stop when I wish it would.  My voice comes out best in my writing.  Sometimes I can't even really hear myself until I read what I've written.  That is the biggest reason that I write....to understand myself.

When I wrote that day on the island, the voice was first person....but it's not from my point of view.  I would like to think that it's God talking to me...or to you...but I do not claim to be prophetic.  I can tell you that it is straight from my heart.  And my heart is an overflowing fountain of love...and God is love...so I am certain that even though the words may be my own, in some way the message is connected to God.  However, I do not want to come across declaring that it is because that I can not know for sure.  

Here are the words...I tremble as I type.  Taking my heart and putting it out on the line is far scarier than writing it in a notebook for my eyes alone.  Please know this is not easy for me. 

You are an instrument.  

Of music.  

Of words.  

To be used to bring beauty and love to those who hear you.  

It's okay.  You are perfectly tuned.  

You weren't always, but now you are.  

You are also one part of a a large orchestra.  

I have chosen you.  

I have given you a seat next to others I have chosen, too.  

That is why you love them.  

You are in complete harmony with them-

even though your instruments and sound are different.  

It's me that is giving you both your sound.  

You are so beautiful to others.  

They are attracted to you, but not for your instrument- that is the external.  

For your sound.  

That's me in you.  

I have created my children to love my sound.  

They have heard it in the womb. 

Music is an energy.  

It changes molecules.  It can heal.  

I am not the only music.  

  You know my music because I have called you my instrument.  

I play each instrument differently.  

Don't worry.  
Just listen to the music and dance.  

My music will resonate within you and make you want to dance.  

But as long as I am in you- you are my instrument, 

and you will find harmony with my other instruments.  

Together your music will bring change.  

Harmony changes.  

Solos give a message.  

You alone have a different song than in combination with others-

 and it's all good.  

Music can't be seen.  

Music is heard.  

Music is written.  

People will judge you because you are the instrument- 

and they all have preferences and opinions about instruments.  

They won't judge you for your sound.  

The sound is separated from the instrument once it's made.  

 Your music will be heard in people's hearts.  

They may tell you what they hear.  They may not.  

Don't stop.  

Music also has a rhythm.  

Rhythm can change without changing the harmony.  

Rhythm adds diversity and growth opportunity.  

When you feel in harmony with someone, but out of step, I am creating more opportunity.  Only those who are open minded will accept rhythm changes, learn them, and grow.  

You crave rhythm changes.  

That's why I have so much opportunity for you.  

Your music - especially in harmony with others - will bring huge change to the world.  

 You are made for this.  

 

That island was my desert.  

My thirst was unquenchable.  

My thoughts were unstoppable.  

And I have never felt so undone. 

xo.