Monday, February 25, 2013

fierce love

this post is a bit random and unpolished.  but i’m at peace with that because my nails have a fresh and funky new coat.


these words are raw and straightforward. 

it’s how i currently feel.  and it’s honest.

it’s ok if you don’t agree.  i like it when people feel differently.  i just like it when people feel.  and this is me feeling.  intensely.

.....

i speak love and emotion fluently.  they are my native languages, more readily available to me than words, most of the time.  and sometimes there are no words to properly translate my emotions.  i’d say there is a bit of a language barrier.  

silence and numbness are my kryptonite.  they knock the breath out of me like nothing else.  as does detachment and indifference.  it’s like a punch in the gut.  repeatedly.

however, nothing makes me find my fight more than these things.  i’m a fighter.  i fight to feel.  i fight to love.  and lack of feeling leaves me paralyzed....until i realize i need to find my fight.....again.

fierce love means having something worth fighting for and then painfully pulling yourself together until you find your fight.  especially when you think you’ve used it all and have nothing left...

a healthy dose of pain lets you know just how much a person means to you.

where there is no pain, there is no love.

any emotion is worth feeling. 

not much scares me.  not darkness.  not evil.  i will go down the darkest alley to fight for what i love....so overwhelmed by the pursuit of love that there is no room left for fear.

in life, we find what we look for.  a friend recently told me of the word suadade. (thanks, Brit.)  it’s a Portuguese word meaning a longing for something-  implying a something that was once there and is now lost- which makes the longing all the more agonizing because we are more aware of what’s missing if it’s something we once had.

allowing myself to recognize that longing helps me find my fight.

nonchalant indifference blocks the fight.  defensiveness is a restart button.  yet i use these two things initially because it’s a human instinct for protection.  protection of the heart.  it really only holds me back from my prize longer.

failure happens to me everyday.  i am immensely imperfect and fantastically funky.  but i’m not afraid of failing.  i know i’ll get back up and fight.  i’m sure of it.

i don’t like endings.  so i’d keep fighting, just to keep the story going if i had to. 

but fighting isn’t free.  it comes with the price tag of pain.  and with pain comes disappointment and probably anger.  both of which are quick to leave, but pain remains.

pain needs to be nurtured.  and most of the time, not by ourselves.  self nurture of pain is self pity.  no one likes someone who feels sorry for themselves.  it's like taking yourself to the ER so you can nurse your own wounds.

on the other hand, if pain is swept away carelessly time after time, numbness will overtake the heart.  for every time pain is not healed, a tiny part of the heart becomes cold.  therefore, one day all emotion will be lost, frozen. 

at the end of my life, i’d far rather arrive tattered and torn because i’ve embraced all the emotions in my lifetime, than arrive perfectly packaged and numb. 

go ahead, throw your punch.  i’d much rather you do that than numbfully contain it.  false happiness is not happiness at all. 

any person worth loving is worth fighting for.  never stop searching for your fight.

sometimes the stench of shoveling shit is what keeps people from clearing away the layers of filth.  and what’s worse, is that shoveling  someone else’s shit stinks even more.  suit up, fellow fighters.  sometimes the attire is boxing gloves, sometimes it’s gas masks, and sometimes it’s tissues. 

man, sometimes it’s such a relief when swirling thoughts in my mind become printed words on a screen in front of me. 

in the meantime, before the thought transfer is ready to happen, music bridges the gap.  here are some songs that have particularly helped me: 

Such Great Heights, by The Postal Service http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXEq7WiINa4
Stripped, by Shiny Gun Toys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70awTVPpgEY
I Will Follow You Into the Dark, by Death Cab for Cutie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA
You Kill Me, by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA
Love Letters, by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpr5LZcK-v0
Open Wide, by Future of Forestry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsMtyYlSw8o
Lately I Can’t Fly, by Lost Ocean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qn1-EXcgAY
The World at Large, by Modest Mouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxa9pFwimk

fierce love. 
     find your fight.