numbfully yours

at this current moment, it hurts to think.  

it's kind of like how it hurts to eat just one more bite after indulging beyond the comfortably full mark at an all you can eat buffet.  its a fullness from taking in an obscene amount without having the time to digest it all yet.  and yet, the very action that produced this feeling is the very action that is now painful.

it's an uncomfortable kind of pain, yet it's also numbing.  because this state of discomfort is so consuming (pun intented) that it restricts all other sensations.  being still and silent is the only thing that seems remotely manageable.  fortunately, guess what happens in stillness and silence?  we listen. 

and so, it's a natural circadian.  

indulge,
     discomfort,
          numbness,
               stillness, 
                    listen, 
                         grow.  (another pun, in a not so funny way, intended.)

and so, when i find myself at this numb stage, i look back and realize i've just received a huge shipment of new information.  then, i sit in stillness and look forward to the growth that is soon to take place as long as i'm obedient and attentive in listening.  

how do i listen?  

who is talking?  

what, am i supposed to take notes?

we listen in so many ways.  everyone has ears, but we all hear differently.  listening is a result of tuning into one channel long enough to receive it's content.  we listen to our heart.  we listen to our mind.  we listen to the words written in a book.  we listen to the breathless voice that speaks to our soul.  

the heart speaks the universal language of love.  it fixates on feelings and relationships and circumstances.  the mind interprets the experiences of life.  it's a habitual problem solver, breathing in notions and breathing out courses of action.   sometimes the volume of this channel is painfully deafening and at other times it seems as if the volume control is stuck on mute. 

the words in a book are only as good as what's on the shelf.  sometimes the words desired are not found between the covers of what lays bound in front of us and other times the words are well written and meaningful, but not currently applicable.  when a book speaks definitively to your life, keep it not far from arms reach.  sometimes the words on the page speak one thing, but then unwritten thoughts unrelated to the written text begin streaming into existence.  it's times like this that i either need a net....or a writing utensil.  and this is what i call the breathless voice.  

it's always exactly what i need in my numbness.  when i can't think of the words on my own, or begin to catch the thoughts swirling in my mind, this Voice navigates.  like a perfectly created remedy for the uncomfortable pain, it begins to soothe by removing the discomfort and breaking up the nauseating clusters of cognition.  and then, in the fresh emptiness, it speaks.  new thoughts have space to unfold.  old thoughts form new and more appropriate connections and suddenly begin to make sense again.  the intermingling of the new and old thoughts create brilliant ideas, interpretations and give direction.  the heart is filled.  the mind is fed.  and the energy of life is awakened once again.

so in my moments of mental numbness that is painfully overloaded, i will remember to pause....and listen.  

"Silence is a source of great strength."

                         -Lao Tzu