numbfully yours

at this current moment, it hurts to think.  

it's kind of like how it hurts to eat just one more bite after indulging beyond the comfortably full mark at an all you can eat buffet.  its a fullness from taking in an obscene amount without having the time to digest it all yet.  and yet, the very action that produced this feeling is the very action that is now painful.

it's an uncomfortable kind of pain, yet it's also numbing.  because this state of discomfort is so consuming (pun intented) that it restricts all other sensations.  being still and silent is the only thing that seems remotely manageable.  fortunately, guess what happens in stillness and silence?  we listen. 

and so, it's a natural circadian.  

indulge,
     discomfort,
          numbness,
               stillness, 
                    listen, 
                         grow.  (another pun, in a not so funny way, intended.)

and so, when i find myself at this numb stage, i look back and realize i've just received a huge shipment of new information.  then, i sit in stillness and look forward to the growth that is soon to take place as long as i'm obedient and attentive in listening.  

how do i listen?  

who is talking?  

what, am i supposed to take notes?

we listen in so many ways.  everyone has ears, but we all hear differently.  listening is a result of tuning into one channel long enough to receive it's content.  we listen to our heart.  we listen to our mind.  we listen to the words written in a book.  we listen to the breathless voice that speaks to our soul.  

the heart speaks the universal language of love.  it fixates on feelings and relationships and circumstances.  the mind interprets the experiences of life.  it's a habitual problem solver, breathing in notions and breathing out courses of action.   sometimes the volume of this channel is painfully deafening and at other times it seems as if the volume control is stuck on mute. 

the words in a book are only as good as what's on the shelf.  sometimes the words desired are not found between the covers of what lays bound in front of us and other times the words are well written and meaningful, but not currently applicable.  when a book speaks definitively to your life, keep it not far from arms reach.  sometimes the words on the page speak one thing, but then unwritten thoughts unrelated to the written text begin streaming into existence.  it's times like this that i either need a net....or a writing utensil.  and this is what i call the breathless voice.  

it's always exactly what i need in my numbness.  when i can't think of the words on my own, or begin to catch the thoughts swirling in my mind, this Voice navigates.  like a perfectly created remedy for the uncomfortable pain, it begins to soothe by removing the discomfort and breaking up the nauseating clusters of cognition.  and then, in the fresh emptiness, it speaks.  new thoughts have space to unfold.  old thoughts form new and more appropriate connections and suddenly begin to make sense again.  the intermingling of the new and old thoughts create brilliant ideas, interpretations and give direction.  the heart is filled.  the mind is fed.  and the energy of life is awakened once again.

so in my moments of mental numbness that is painfully overloaded, i will remember to pause....and listen.  

"Silence is a source of great strength."

                         -Lao Tzu

 

box of rope

what if life was like a box of rope?  

inside the box would be a carefully collected bundled mass of all different kinds of rope.  thick ones, colorful ones, dirty ones, frayed ones and brand new ones.  and each rope represented a set of experiences, or people or things all woven together and formed into an artifact that could be returned to at any given time.  the length of the rope would be equivalent to the amount of time put into each experience or person or thing.  and as much as they would be a visual representation of the different aspects of your life, they would also be functional.  so the more experiences you give yourself, the more equipped you are for whatever life brings your way.

wouldn't that be cool?  and you could choose if your box was a tangled mess, or neatly sorted bundles- perfectly wrapped, tied and labeled.  it wouldn't matter, because it is your collection.  at any given time, you could look at your collection of ropes and see a representation of all the different components of your life. 

for the free spirited person like myself, the thought of having the tangible ability to see the results of  a life that is lived by listening to my heart and holding tight to my dreams, would be incredible!

i would imagine that in my collection, there would be a durable rope.  one that's strong and meant to stand the test of time.  it would show a lot of wear, but no weakness.  it would be a solid color with two fine strands of primary colors woven throughout, adding zest and youthfulness.  this rope would be my family.

another rope would be pure white.  shiny and possibly made of a synthetic material like nylon.  it would look great in the package, but after one use, would show dirt.  this rope would be my pantry.  the older i get the more my body tells me to eat fresh foods which have not been processed or packaged.  the foods in my pantry look good and taste great, but make my body hurt.  

then there would be a very faded and worn gray rope.  it's been sun beaten and weathered.  it may have once been another color, but now has blended into a neutral shade, seemingly colorless.  this rope would be my wardrobe.  my favorite things to wear are the result of years of breaking in and outlasted fads.   found by swapping, saving and thrifting.....very rarely purchased new.  

near the top of my collection would be a rope that if you look closely, would be made of many smaller ropes.  because if each rope is a collection of strands, then this one would be a collection of ropes!  there would be strands made of every vibrant color you could possibly imagine, strands made of natural twine, strands of the finest silk, a small strand of solid gold even, shoot...some would even been electrical wire connected to a string of lights.  this rope would be my amazing friends. 

and there would be one more rope.  this one almost like fishing line, but a million times thicker.  it is transparent, and sparkles in the light.  it's very strong, but almost difficult to see.  it coordinates and works well with every other rope in the box.  this rope is used more than any other rope in the box, but doesn't show any signs of wear.  this rope would be my faith.  

of course, my box would have many other ropes.  some of which i may have nearly forgotten i even had.  but they're there.  they might include ropes of travel, education, birthdays and times of difficulty.  

and no.  my collection wouldn't be neatly bundled or labeled.  i'd have to untie knots whenever i pulled a rope from the box, because they'd all be tangled.  

but that's just the way i like it. 

"(Life) is like a piece of rope; 

it takes on meaning only in connection 

with the things it holds together."  

                                                            -adapted from Norman Cousins 

                                      *life was use in place of the words "a book"

feel it. be it. do it.

feel it, be it, do it, taste it, chew it.  

just saying that makes me want to jump up and move.  i throw my arms in the air, and swing my hips to the side.  i close my eyes and smile. 

lately i've been feeling naturally caffeinated.  silly, goofy, free.  a few months ago, i really did give up coffee, but only because i was beginning to depend on it a little more than my body liked.  don't get me wrong, my world is not black or white.  i embrace the gray, and am often known to throw in a heavy handful of full color at that.  so, i do still enjoy a warm, cream swirled mug of joe cradled in my hands every now and then.  but i've seriously, like really seriously, cut back.  and when my energy doesn't come from a cup, let me tell you, it's effects have been paramount!

i really am more energized without it.  all of a sudden, i don't need as much sleep, and i wake up with natural excitement on my mind.  after peeling back my eyelids, i find myself ready for the day.  life is full and fun.  but this post isn't about coffee.  i'm not encouraging anyone to try to cut back, or say that coffee is bad for you.  not at all, my friends, not at all. 

i'm just enjoying my naturally caffeinated recent days.  i'm feeling the energy.  my happy is happier.  my relaxed is quieter.  my inspired is clearer.  my love runs deeper. 

and so i be.  i'm completely present in each moment.  less is required to captivate my mind because i'm tuned in to more.  when there's music, i dance.  when i hear songs, i sing.  and when i have thirty minutes to spare, i grab my sneakers and run!

it's definitely been a process getting to this point.  i still credit our family trip to the carolina cabin this summer as the initial catalyst of it all.  it stood as a separation from life as i knew it.  it was a complete removal from my daily grind and a much needed change of pace.  i came back as a boot wearing, not as much caring, happy mama, just ready to be. 

when i'm in this present state of being, i feel like i can do more.  i can silence my mind and listen.  i can walk into the kitchen and get right to business.  i can dress my kids, pack their lunch and feed the dog without thinking about it.  i can grab a random fifteen minutes and really get something accomplished.  my mind more readily does what i need it to do.  and so, my days are more satisfying.  i may not necessarily accomplish more, but the things i do manage to get done have been a lot more intentional, and that folks, is a huge accomplishment for me!

feel it.  be it.  do it.  

let yourself taste it and chew it. 

life is grand, take it in.  go ahead.  take it in one moment at a time.  tackle that moment.  savor it's sweetness.  embrace it's bitterness.  appreciate it's completeness.  remember it's significance.  you won't get it back, but you'll add it to a collection of other moments that are labeled as your life.    

life comes at us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, whether we are ready for it or not.  what we do with those 86,400 seconds each day is completely up to us.  dig in! 

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West