I want to write, but nothing comes out.
So, I RE-LAX....and hopefully that will get things moving....yes, pun intended. Ha!
Let me tell you where I am.
I've had the desire to take a trip for a while. I mean a big get-on-a-plane-and-go-to-a-far-away-place kind of trip. A place away from home. Away from routine. Away from responsibility. Away from my swirling thoughts. But then I realized I can't get away from myself. And unless I face myself, no one is going to like being around me. So, the first place I must go away is to a place all by myself. When a close friend of mine did just that, it was what pushed me over the fence and bite the bullet.
I couldn't drive fast enough on my way to the hotel....my mind was racing just as fast as my car. I arrived at my hotel knowing that I was going to stay for two....maybe three nights. Not liking endings, I wanted to keep it open-ended. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew my options. Sometimes having options is overwhelming when all you really want to do is nothing. I was very accepting of the fact that nothing was most definitely one of my options.
Having never stayed at this resort (and yes, I say resort because of the $20 daily "resort fee" that was apologetically added to my bill at checkout defining it as such), the first thing I did was get acquainted with the facility and mentally explore my options.
I took a tour of the spa, meandered through the gift shop, peeked in at the fitness center, strolled through the fountain gardens, walked past the rock climbing wall, fire pit and then down the boardwalk that lead to the marina.
From my balcony, I inspected the jogging paths and local shopping options. Then, I made a mental list of "yes things" and "no things". Unfortunately, the only two things on my "no" list were the lazy river (because it was closed this weekend), and the fitness center, a no-brainer for me. I like when decisions are easy.
But my mind was satisfied, and from that point on, I just let each moment happen as it came.
The next morning, I woke up at the same time that my kids usually pounce on me at home. Except at home, I want to pull the sheets up over my head and roll over (which I usually in fact, do). This time, in a hotel room all by myself, I couldn't fall back asleep if I tried. I watched the rest of the sunrise from my balcony facing east, ate a quiet breakfast and packed my bag for a trip to the resort's private island. I knew I was going there to write....and possibly read....but mostly write. This RE-LAX was beginning to work.
This is where it all really began. For me, it was on a private island away from everyone. I was in my bathing suit, but not there for a swim. I never even touched the water. Oh, but the waters touched me. It was a mental waterfall....diarrhea of the hand....everything that had been stopped up began to flow. My mental mastitis was letting itself down. Every time I would stop writing, I needed to get up and walk around. But then, like having an indigestion cramp that leaves you running back to the bathroom, more thoughts would start flowing and I'd have to literally run back to my notebook and try to keep up with it as it was pouring out. Lessons learned:
1. Take a RE-LAX more frequently so that you are not in pain trying to keep up with the drainage.
2. When you take the full dose of RE-LAX (private island at a resort), stay close to the toilet....
From this point on, I am going to attempt to take smaller doses of this RE-LAX on more of a daily routine in order to keep myself....ahem...regular. Sorry. I have toddlers. This is where my mind is. So, a private island is nice, but I'm realizing that half an hour in my closet each day might work just as well.
I was so moved by the words in my notebook that afternoon that I want to share some of them with you. However, I share this knowing that not everyone will agree....and I love that. I am not offended in the least by disagreement. You are entitled to think whatever you want to think. By sharing this with you, I am in no way trying to persuade you of one thing or another. I am just doing what I do best....sharing a piece of my heart with you.
A lot of times I'm so silent because what I like to do most is listen. I have accepting ears. Your words challenge my faith....and challenge is a healthy thing. But, I do have a voice....a voice that runs through my mind so constantly, it won't even stop when I wish it would. My voice comes out best in my writing. Sometimes I can't even really hear myself until I read what I've written. That is the biggest reason that I write....to understand myself.
When I wrote that day on the island, the voice was first person....but it's not from my point of view. I would like to think that it's God talking to me...or to you...but I do not claim to be prophetic. I can tell you that it is straight from my heart. And my heart is an overflowing fountain of love...and God is love...so I am certain that even though the words may be my own, in some way the message is connected to God. However, I do not want to come across declaring that it is because that I can not know for sure.
Here are the words...I tremble as I type. Taking my heart and putting it out on the line is far scarier than writing it in a notebook for my eyes alone. Please know this is not easy for me.
You are an instrument.
Of music.
Of words.
To be used to bring beauty and love to those who hear you.
It's okay. You are perfectly tuned.
You weren't always, but now you are.
You are also one part of a a large orchestra.
I have chosen you.
I have given you a seat next to others I have chosen, too.
That is why you love them.
You are in complete harmony with them-
even though your instruments and sound are different.
It's me that is giving you both your sound.
You are so beautiful to others.
They are attracted to you, but not for your instrument- that is the external.
For your sound.
That's me in you.
I have created my children to love my sound.
They have heard it in the womb.
Music is an energy.
It changes molecules. It can heal.
I am not the only music.
You know my music because I have called you my instrument.
I play each instrument differently.
Don't worry.
Just listen to the music and dance.
Just listen to the music and dance.
My music will resonate within you and make you want to dance.
But as long as I am in you- you are my instrument,
and you will find harmony with my other instruments.
Together your music will bring change.
Harmony changes.
Solos give a message.
You alone have a different song than in combination with others-
and it's all good.
Music can't be seen.
Music is heard.
Music is written.
People will judge you because you are the instrument-
and they all have preferences and opinions about instruments.
They won't judge you for your sound.
The sound is separated from the instrument once it's made.
Your music will be heard in people's hearts.
They may tell you what they hear. They may not.
Don't stop.
Music also has a rhythm.
Rhythm can change without changing the harmony.
Rhythm adds diversity and growth opportunity.
When
you feel in harmony with someone, but out of step, I am creating more
opportunity. Only those who are open minded will accept rhythm changes,
learn them, and grow.
You crave rhythm changes.
That's why I have so much opportunity for you.
Your music - especially in harmony with others - will bring huge change to the world.
You are made for this.
That island was my desert.
My thirst was unquenchable.
My thoughts were unstoppable.
And I have never felt so undone.
xo.
7 comments:
So So very beautifully written ....
"your music will be heard in peoples hearts"
I love that!
...I was in tears when I finished reading your entries...I hear you....and I feel you.
I am going through a lot of recent changes as well, and to stumble on your blog and have the words, "You are made for this" jump out at me half freaks me out (at the perfect timing of these words), and half overjoyed to find another mama who gets it. Toddler poops and all. Speaking of, mine hasn't pooped in two days. It's going to be interesting later today.
Joking aside, rock on with the private time. We mamas need it.
Jen at www.themamayears.com
Thank you for your responses. They are all so endearing! :)
Becky,
Thank you for sharing this. As I began reading, I was struck by the quality of your writing. Your sincerity, your frankness, and the depth of your honesty is courageous and moving. It speaks to the heart. You have a way with words and phrasing that make your thoughts easy to digest :-). It is a wonderful gift.
However, the beauty of this talent, so marvelously revealed in the early sections of this blog, does nowhere near parallel the heaven-sent blessing you shared with us at the end. Undoubtedly, the marks of divine inspiration are clearly present, radiating the light of God in every verse.
I was amazed and caught in wonder after immediately recognizing the imprint of His hand through your words. A message has been revealed to you. He has sent you a clear token of His grace. What a blessing!
This sign is a confirmation of this prayer: "Is there any Remover of difficulties save God. Say, praised be God, He is God, all are His servants, and all abide by His bidding."
The Light of Guidance continues to permeate the hearts of human souls, as your experience testifies. We are instruments, and our purpose is and has ever been to be in harmony with the orchestra of the human race. Our duty is to play our part, however small, in this unfolding and glorious melody.
I look forward to hearing more of what God has purposed for you and your family. Blessings, unimaginable blessings, are assuredly in store for you all!
I miss you all and must do better at staying in touch. We must talk soon! I must see you all soon! I must make this happen.
You are all in my prayers.
Much love,
Brett
Becky - excellent. Thanks you for sharing your heart. Loved reading it. So passionate. Beautiful. So glad you got that time. :) Erin H.
Thank you, Brett. I miss you too! Erin...that time was so priceless!! Just to be able to think! :)
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