these
words are raw and straightforward.
it’s
how i currently feel. and it’s
honest.
it’s
ok if you don’t agree. i like it
when people feel differently. i
just like it when people feel. and
this is me feeling. intensely.
.....
i
speak love and emotion fluently.
they are my native languages, more readily available to me than words,
most of the time. and sometimes there
are no words to properly translate my emotions. i’d say there is a bit of a language barrier.
silence
and numbness are my kryptonite.
they knock the breath out of me like nothing else. as does detachment and indifference. it’s like a punch in the gut. repeatedly.
however,
nothing makes me find my fight
more than these things. i’m a
fighter. i fight to feel. i fight to love. and lack of feeling leaves me
paralyzed....until i realize i need to find my fight.....again.
fierce
love means having something worth fighting for and then painfully pulling
yourself together until you find your fight. especially when you think you’ve used it all and have
nothing left...
a
healthy dose of pain lets you know just how much a person means to you.
where
there is no pain, there is no love.
any
emotion is worth feeling.
not
much scares me. not darkness. not evil. i will go down the darkest alley to fight for what i
love....so overwhelmed by the pursuit of love that there is no room left for
fear.
in
life, we find what we look for. a
friend recently told me of the word suadade. (thanks, Brit.) it’s a Portuguese word meaning a
longing for something- implying a
something that was once there and is now lost- which makes the longing all the
more agonizing because we are more aware of what’s missing if it’s something we once had.
allowing
myself to recognize that longing helps me find my fight.
nonchalant
indifference blocks the fight.
defensiveness is a restart button.
yet i use these two things initially because it’s a human instinct for
protection. protection of the
heart. it really only holds me
back from my prize longer.
failure
happens to me everyday. i am
immensely imperfect and fantastically funky. but i’m not afraid of failing. i know i’ll get back up and fight. i’m sure of it.
i
don’t like endings. so i’d keep
fighting, just to keep the story going if i had to.
but
fighting isn’t free. it comes with the price tag of pain. and with pain
comes disappointment and probably anger.
both of which are quick to leave, but pain remains.
pain
needs to be nurtured. and most of
the time, not by ourselves. self
nurture of pain is self pity. no
one likes someone who feels sorry for themselves. it's like taking yourself to the ER so you can nurse your own
wounds.
on the
other hand, if pain is swept away carelessly time after time, numbness will
overtake the heart. for every time
pain is not healed, a tiny part of the heart becomes cold. therefore, one day all emotion will be
lost, frozen.
at the end
of my life, i’d far rather arrive tattered and torn because i’ve embraced all
the emotions in my lifetime, than arrive perfectly packaged and numb.
go
ahead, throw your punch. i’d much
rather you do that than numbfully contain it. false happiness is not happiness at all.
any
person worth loving is worth fighting for. never stop searching for your fight.
sometimes
the stench of shoveling shit is what keeps people from clearing away the layers
of filth. and what’s worse, is
that shoveling someone else’s shit
stinks even more. suit up, fellow
fighters. sometimes the attire is
boxing gloves, sometimes it’s gas masks, and sometimes it’s tissues.
man,
sometimes it’s such a relief when swirling thoughts in my mind become printed
words on a screen in front of me.
in the
meantime, before the thought transfer is ready to happen, music bridges the
gap. here are some songs that have
particularly helped me:
I
Will Follow You Into the Dark, by Death Cab for Cutie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA
Love
Letters, by Paper Route
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpr5LZcK-v0
Open
Wide, by Future of Forestry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsMtyYlSw8o
Lately
I Can’t Fly, by Lost Ocean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qn1-EXcgAY
The
World at Large, by Modest Mouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxa9pFwimk
Sugar,
by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzyG9ZFJu-A
Heartbeat,
by The Fray http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFg_8u87zT0
Cut,
by Plumb http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJkqkWIpFAI
fierce
love.
find your fight.
