Beginning to find my words again.

listen with your heart,

and you will hear the love.

speak from your soul,

and you world will shine.

beauty comes from within.

save your ears for music,

and your mouth for pizza. 

fierce love

this post is a bit random and unpolished.  but i’m at peace with that because my nails have a fresh and funky new coat.

these words are raw and straightforward. 

it’s how i currently feel.  and it’s honest.

it’s ok if you don’t agree.  i like it when people feel differently.  i just like it when people feel.  and this is me feeling.  intensely.

.....

i speak love and emotion fluently.  they are my native languages, more readily available to me than words, most of the time.  and sometimes there are no words to properly translate my emotions.  i’d say there is a bit of a language barrier.  

silence and numbness are my kryptonite.  they knock the breath out of me like nothing else.  as does detachment and indifference.  it’s like a punch in the gut.  repeatedly.

however, nothing makes me find my fight more than these things.  i’m a fighter.  i fight to feel.  i fight to love.  and lack of feeling leaves me paralyzed....until i realize i need to find my fight.....again.

fierce love means having something worth fighting for and then painfully pulling yourself together until you find your fight.  especially when you think you’ve used it all and have nothing left...

a healthy dose of pain lets you know just how much a person means to you.

where there is no pain, there is no love.

any emotion is worth feeling. 

not much scares me.  not darkness.  not evil.  i will go down the darkest alley to fight for what i love....so overwhelmed by the pursuit of love that there is no room left for fear.

in life, we find what we look for.  a friend recently told me of the word suadade. (thanks, Brit.)  it’s a Portuguese word meaning a longing for something-  implying a something that was once there and is now lost- which makes the longing all the more agonizing because we are more aware of what’s missing if it’s something we once had.

allowing myself to recognize that longing helps me find my fight.

nonchalant indifference blocks the fight.  defensiveness is a restart button.  yet i use these two things initially because it’s a human instinct for protection.  protection of the heart.  it really only holds me back from my prize longer.

failure happens to me everyday.  i am immensely imperfect and fantastically funky.  but i’m not afraid of failing.  i know i’ll get back up and fight.  i’m sure of it.

i don’t like endings.  so i’d keep fighting, just to keep the story going if i had to. 

but fighting isn’t free.  it comes with the price tag of pain.  and with pain comes disappointment and probably anger.  both of which are quick to leave, but pain remains.

pain needs to be nurtured.  and most of the time, not by ourselves.  self nurture of pain is self pity.  no one likes someone who feels sorry for themselves.  it's like taking yourself to the ER so you can nurse your own wounds.

on the other hand, if pain is swept away carelessly time after time, numbness will overtake the heart.  for every time pain is not healed, a tiny part of the heart becomes cold.  therefore, one day all emotion will be lost, frozen. 

at the end of my life, i’d far rather arrive tattered and torn because i’ve embraced all the emotions in my lifetime, than arrive perfectly packaged and numb. 

go ahead, throw your punch.  i’d much rather you do that than numbfully contain it.  false happiness is not happiness at all. 

any person worth loving is worth fighting for.  never stop searching for your fight.

sometimes the stench of shoveling shit is what keeps people from clearing away the layers of filth.  and what’s worse, is that shoveling  someone else’s shit stinks even more.  suit up, fellow fighters.  sometimes the attire is boxing gloves, sometimes it’s gas masks, and sometimes it’s tissues. 

man, sometimes it’s such a relief when swirling thoughts in my mind become printed words on a screen in front of me. 

in the meantime, before the thought transfer is ready to happen, music bridges the gap.  here are some songs that have particularly helped me: 

Such Great Heights, by The Postal Service http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXEq7WiINa4

Stripped, by Shiny Gun Toys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70awTVPpgEY

Frozen, by Shiny Gun Toys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW_QmyLA7Us

Silver Wings, by Thrice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRgEcm8h0ko

I Will Follow You Into the Dark, by Death Cab for Cutie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA

You Kill Me, by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHY1D0tKRA

Love Letters, by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpr5LZcK-v0

Open Wide, by Future of Forestry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsMtyYlSw8o

Lately I Can’t Fly, by Lost Ocean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qn1-EXcgAY

The World at Large, by Modest Mouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxa9pFwimk

Sugar, by Paper Route http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzyG9ZFJu-A

Heartbeat, by The Fray http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFg_8u87zT0

Cut, by Plumb http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJkqkWIpFAI

fierce love. 

     find your fight.

numbfully yours

at this current moment, it hurts to think.  

it's kind of like how it hurts to eat just one more bite after indulging beyond the comfortably full mark at an all you can eat buffet.  its a fullness from taking in an obscene amount without having the time to digest it all yet.  and yet, the very action that produced this feeling is the very action that is now painful.

it's an uncomfortable kind of pain, yet it's also numbing.  because this state of discomfort is so consuming (pun intented) that it restricts all other sensations.  being still and silent is the only thing that seems remotely manageable.  fortunately, guess what happens in stillness and silence?  we listen. 

and so, it's a natural circadian.  

indulge,
     discomfort,
          numbness,
               stillness, 
                    listen, 
                         grow.  (another pun, in a not so funny way, intended.)

and so, when i find myself at this numb stage, i look back and realize i've just received a huge shipment of new information.  then, i sit in stillness and look forward to the growth that is soon to take place as long as i'm obedient and attentive in listening.  

how do i listen?  

who is talking?  

what, am i supposed to take notes?

we listen in so many ways.  everyone has ears, but we all hear differently.  listening is a result of tuning into one channel long enough to receive it's content.  we listen to our heart.  we listen to our mind.  we listen to the words written in a book.  we listen to the breathless voice that speaks to our soul.  

the heart speaks the universal language of love.  it fixates on feelings and relationships and circumstances.  the mind interprets the experiences of life.  it's a habitual problem solver, breathing in notions and breathing out courses of action.   sometimes the volume of this channel is painfully deafening and at other times it seems as if the volume control is stuck on mute. 

the words in a book are only as good as what's on the shelf.  sometimes the words desired are not found between the covers of what lays bound in front of us and other times the words are well written and meaningful, but not currently applicable.  when a book speaks definitively to your life, keep it not far from arms reach.  sometimes the words on the page speak one thing, but then unwritten thoughts unrelated to the written text begin streaming into existence.  it's times like this that i either need a net....or a writing utensil.  and this is what i call the breathless voice.  

it's always exactly what i need in my numbness.  when i can't think of the words on my own, or begin to catch the thoughts swirling in my mind, this Voice navigates.  like a perfectly created remedy for the uncomfortable pain, it begins to soothe by removing the discomfort and breaking up the nauseating clusters of cognition.  and then, in the fresh emptiness, it speaks.  new thoughts have space to unfold.  old thoughts form new and more appropriate connections and suddenly begin to make sense again.  the intermingling of the new and old thoughts create brilliant ideas, interpretations and give direction.  the heart is filled.  the mind is fed.  and the energy of life is awakened once again.

so in my moments of mental numbness that is painfully overloaded, i will remember to pause....and listen.  

"Silence is a source of great strength."

                         -Lao Tzu

 

box of rope

what if life was like a box of rope?  

inside the box would be a carefully collected bundled mass of all different kinds of rope.  thick ones, colorful ones, dirty ones, frayed ones and brand new ones.  and each rope represented a set of experiences, or people or things all woven together and formed into an artifact that could be returned to at any given time.  the length of the rope would be equivalent to the amount of time put into each experience or person or thing.  and as much as they would be a visual representation of the different aspects of your life, they would also be functional.  so the more experiences you give yourself, the more equipped you are for whatever life brings your way.

wouldn't that be cool?  and you could choose if your box was a tangled mess, or neatly sorted bundles- perfectly wrapped, tied and labeled.  it wouldn't matter, because it is your collection.  at any given time, you could look at your collection of ropes and see a representation of all the different components of your life. 

for the free spirited person like myself, the thought of having the tangible ability to see the results of  a life that is lived by listening to my heart and holding tight to my dreams, would be incredible!

i would imagine that in my collection, there would be a durable rope.  one that's strong and meant to stand the test of time.  it would show a lot of wear, but no weakness.  it would be a solid color with two fine strands of primary colors woven throughout, adding zest and youthfulness.  this rope would be my family.

another rope would be pure white.  shiny and possibly made of a synthetic material like nylon.  it would look great in the package, but after one use, would show dirt.  this rope would be my pantry.  the older i get the more my body tells me to eat fresh foods which have not been processed or packaged.  the foods in my pantry look good and taste great, but make my body hurt.  

then there would be a very faded and worn gray rope.  it's been sun beaten and weathered.  it may have once been another color, but now has blended into a neutral shade, seemingly colorless.  this rope would be my wardrobe.  my favorite things to wear are the result of years of breaking in and outlasted fads.   found by swapping, saving and thrifting.....very rarely purchased new.  

near the top of my collection would be a rope that if you look closely, would be made of many smaller ropes.  because if each rope is a collection of strands, then this one would be a collection of ropes!  there would be strands made of every vibrant color you could possibly imagine, strands made of natural twine, strands of the finest silk, a small strand of solid gold even, shoot...some would even been electrical wire connected to a string of lights.  this rope would be my amazing friends. 

and there would be one more rope.  this one almost like fishing line, but a million times thicker.  it is transparent, and sparkles in the light.  it's very strong, but almost difficult to see.  it coordinates and works well with every other rope in the box.  this rope is used more than any other rope in the box, but doesn't show any signs of wear.  this rope would be my faith.  

of course, my box would have many other ropes.  some of which i may have nearly forgotten i even had.  but they're there.  they might include ropes of travel, education, birthdays and times of difficulty.  

and no.  my collection wouldn't be neatly bundled or labeled.  i'd have to untie knots whenever i pulled a rope from the box, because they'd all be tangled.  

but that's just the way i like it. 

"(Life) is like a piece of rope; 

it takes on meaning only in connection 

with the things it holds together."  

                                                            -adapted from Norman Cousins 

                                      *life was use in place of the words "a book"

feel it. be it. do it.

feel it, be it, do it, taste it, chew it.  

just saying that makes me want to jump up and move.  i throw my arms in the air, and swing my hips to the side.  i close my eyes and smile. 

lately i've been feeling naturally caffeinated.  silly, goofy, free.  a few months ago, i really did give up coffee, but only because i was beginning to depend on it a little more than my body liked.  don't get me wrong, my world is not black or white.  i embrace the gray, and am often known to throw in a heavy handful of full color at that.  so, i do still enjoy a warm, cream swirled mug of joe cradled in my hands every now and then.  but i've seriously, like really seriously, cut back.  and when my energy doesn't come from a cup, let me tell you, it's effects have been paramount!

i really am more energized without it.  all of a sudden, i don't need as much sleep, and i wake up with natural excitement on my mind.  after peeling back my eyelids, i find myself ready for the day.  life is full and fun.  but this post isn't about coffee.  i'm not encouraging anyone to try to cut back, or say that coffee is bad for you.  not at all, my friends, not at all. 

i'm just enjoying my naturally caffeinated recent days.  i'm feeling the energy.  my happy is happier.  my relaxed is quieter.  my inspired is clearer.  my love runs deeper. 

and so i be.  i'm completely present in each moment.  less is required to captivate my mind because i'm tuned in to more.  when there's music, i dance.  when i hear songs, i sing.  and when i have thirty minutes to spare, i grab my sneakers and run!

it's definitely been a process getting to this point.  i still credit our family trip to the carolina cabin this summer as the initial catalyst of it all.  it stood as a separation from life as i knew it.  it was a complete removal from my daily grind and a much needed change of pace.  i came back as a boot wearing, not as much caring, happy mama, just ready to be. 

when i'm in this present state of being, i feel like i can do more.  i can silence my mind and listen.  i can walk into the kitchen and get right to business.  i can dress my kids, pack their lunch and feed the dog without thinking about it.  i can grab a random fifteen minutes and really get something accomplished.  my mind more readily does what i need it to do.  and so, my days are more satisfying.  i may not necessarily accomplish more, but the things i do manage to get done have been a lot more intentional, and that folks, is a huge accomplishment for me!

feel it.  be it.  do it.  

let yourself taste it and chew it. 

life is grand, take it in.  go ahead.  take it in one moment at a time.  tackle that moment.  savor it's sweetness.  embrace it's bitterness.  appreciate it's completeness.  remember it's significance.  you won't get it back, but you'll add it to a collection of other moments that are labeled as your life.    

life comes at us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, whether we are ready for it or not.  what we do with those 86,400 seconds each day is completely up to us.  dig in! 

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

organically thinking

caution: mind cleaning isn't as easy as house cleaning.  progress isn't as easily noticed and the amount of clutter that still needs tending to lurks out of sight until it spontaneously catapults itself front and center, usually at the most inopportune time.  however, the results of mind cleaning are exponentially longer lasting than mopping floors....and that sounds like a good deal to me!

over the past two weeks, i've experienced multiple episodes of spotlight thoughts presenting themselves in the midst of a busy day, temporarily blinding my mind.  when these thoughts surface, they need attention.  captive attention.  they beg for audience participation.  sometimes these thoughts won't even reveal their identity until you give them enough of your time.  they are feisty little buggers...expecting a bit of a chase before they'll let you come to terms with what they're saying.  

and so, i let go.

letting go allows growth to happen.  i let go of preconceived notions.  i let go of expectations.  i let go of being judged or misinterpreted.  i open my mind and take in the new things life presents everyday.  if your roots are firmly planted, then the leaves of your mind will only grow within the nature of what they're being fed. 

after my mental housekeeping, my mind is clearer than ever before.  and you know what?  when your mind is clear, you can take in so much more.  i'm not kidding when tell you that i can even smell more vividly now.  it's unreal.  i can handle more without being bogged down.  every experience is more meaningful and an opportunity to grow. 

in the tenderness of the clear mind that i now have, i have adopted an organic way of thinking.  just like eating organically, it's a matter of being able to experience life more fully while continually removing toxins or anything that would stunt my growth or kill the vibrant thoughts in my mind.  it's not a matter of sheltering myself....quite the opposite, actually....its a way to experience more with the ability to decide what takes residence in my mind.  we live in a real world.  it's not organic....or even really clean, for that matter.  but it's real.  and never to i want to separate myself from reality.  ok, maybe i'd LIKE to, but i'll leave that for my daydreams. 

thinking organically is the ability to take in a little shit without getting covered in mud.  and because there are no growth hormones, pesticides or fertilizers, it requires a bit more tending to.  you can't be afraid to get into the depths of your thoughts to do a little gardening.  some days you'll need to prune away overgrown thoughts, some days you'll need to add more nutrients to institute new growth, and other days, it's just about smelling the flowers.  organically minded people know their mental gardens well.

i've never been happier.....or more in tune with my children, my husband or the world around me.   i am living in the present moment, and yet preparing the soil for exciting things yet to grow.  

i smile a lot easier.  

i love a lot deeper.  

and my feet can barely touch the ground!  

“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. 

Taste them and you will see.
”
― Jarod Kintz

unfolding

i don't have the energy for capital letters tonight.  

the picture for this post is left for you to draw.

recently, i've been internally captivated.  mentally housecleaning, so to speak.  if spring is for opening the windows and cleaning the house, then fall is for opening your mind and cleaning out the mess.  it's a natural preparation for settling into warm cozy thoughts for the winter.  

and for me, it's shed light on what will soon become a familiar soft glow.  but right now, it's shining in my eyes and somewhat temporarily blinding me.  i'm captivated, and consumed.  i'm more present to my thoughts than ever before, yet so strangely distant from who i really am.  i'm searching, but i already know the answer.  

the thoughts in my mind are wrestling back and forth.  one day completed thoughts are pinned down, and then the next day, they're walking around again.  finding permanence and conclusions with wrestling thoughts is nearly impossible.  

but it's the process of wrestling that is the labor for the birth of new beginnings.  it's like new leaves unfolding in the early warmth of the spring sunlight.  it's a struggle between holding tight and letting go.  holding tight, though it requires a mighty strength, is often easier than letting go because knowing that you're capable of surviving in a tender state of newness is completely frightening.  

you see, growth is not an all or nothing thing.  it's a gradual process that starts with nothing and ends with everything, but happens one step at a time.  and unless it is touched by opposition, it never stops in the middle.  and eternal growth can never be stopped by opposition, only delayed. 

the tenderness of new growth needs to be handled delicately

words that once soothed, now leave bold impressions.

be gentle.

let new growth breathe-

to soak in the light

and the rain

and strengthen.

newness in any form is vulnerable;

handle it with care.

with growth comes pain-

boundaries are pushed outward,

depths become deeper,

everything stretches.

growth can not be planned,

or fully controlled-

it must unfold on it's own.

let go completely

don't hold back.

if something is growing,

don't worry,

it means it's being properly fed.

growth is good.

when you are growing, you feel it

but others see it.

listen to it.

learn from it.

then let go.

and enjoy the fragrance of the fully unfolded bloom.